MAGA Hats and Muslimas Downunder

By Olivia Pierson

A New Zealand Muslima named Aliya Danzeisen, who happens to be a former corporate lawyer from the United States, has given voice to a brave warning to NZ about a grave character flaw hidden in the depths of new National Party leader Todd Muller’s soul. There may even be more than one. 

Mr. Muller keeps among his private possessions an evil, red MAGA hat, which he intends to display on a prominent shelf in his new parliamentary office. 

By Beelzebub, we foolish citizens are so fortunate to have the likes of insightful immigrants such as Ms. Danzeisen - and of course, the NZ Herald and Stuff(ed) news outlets, to inform us of the significant importance of Mr. Muller’s horrific judgement, lest it slip the notice of our simple minds at some point. 

While smoothing out a rare rumple in her melon coloured hijab, Ms. Danzeisen was kind enough to remind us all: 

“That hat represents the denial of the freedom of beliefs. That hat represents the denial of minority voices. That hat represents the vitriol that has been harming that nation and has been harming the world for the last four years.”

Clearly not grasping the enormity of his egregious intentions, Mr. Muller doubled-down on his diabolical decision to take the MAGA hat to his new office at Parliament. The hat seems to give off an extraordinary power which saw Mr. Muller appear to be alright with not apologising and grovelling before the urgent complaints of offended minorities in a multicultural country.  That powerful spell is consistent with the one we already know the hat possesses: being a dog-whistle to racists all over the world. 

It is now feared that Mr. Muller may have picked up President Trump’s repugnant habit of not immediately apologising to people who extol extraordinary nonsense as news, a.k.a, fake news, proving that those who own MAGA hats may be highly susceptible to its malevolent powers. 

Mr. Muller, who harbours a deeply concerning interest in American politics, said that he collected the MAGA hat along with two Hillary Clinton pins as souvenirs from the 2016 election, the promiscuous slut - Muller, I mean. 

But such trite excuses from Mr. Muller did not make it past Ms. Danzeisen’s acute perception skills at sniffing out white supremacists hiding in plain sight amongst us, as her clever counterpoint courageously highlights:

“If he wants to be the Prime Minister of New Zealand it would be nice if he’d choose to display objects that represent the values of New Zealand.” 

Ms. Danzeisen gave the whole country a timely reminder that New Zealanders place no value at all in anything to do with America and its gaudy capitalist culture: not cars, washing machines, television shows, movies, rock’n’roll, Levis jeans, the internet, the space-race - and certainly not all that gratuitous freedom and liberty stuff. None of that shit flies here!

We especially ought to forget how devoted America was to our nation’s freedom and protection during the Second World War.  Yes Sirree! Those days are long gone and far from being important anymore, as Ms. Danzeisen subtly emphasises for our edification. 

The only ornaments that are appropriate for a NZ Prime Minister to brandish in his, her, or its office are pounamu tikis, korus, bone carved fish hooks and “We are One” posters. And, as a relevant aside, that bloody President Trump should definitely not have a bust of Winston Churchill on display inside the Whitehouse - that’s positively un-American!  Never mind that Churchill was a disgusting, white, male, rabidly aristocratic, empire-loving colonialist who wished out loud that if he were to be born again (not in the Westboro Baptist sense), he would want to be born an American. For shame! 

Along with another impeccably virtuous (and insightful) member of the Muslim community, Ms. Danzeisen asserts that the MAGA hat has no place being displayed in a parliamentary office because it now means something very different than it did in 2016 when Mr. Muller bought it as a souvenir. 

The words on the infamous cap “Make America Great Again” have clearly undergone more mutations than the coronavirus, but the real meaning contained in those words is only revealed through clairvoyant Muslimas in hijabs, because they have well over a millennia of experience with the powerful symbolism of oppressive head wear, and Ms. Danzeisen says, “That hat represents the denial of the freedom of beliefs. That hat represents the denial of minority voices.”   

I’m so grateful that we ignorant Kiwis can look to the veiled, Islamic women of our nation to give us wisdom and guidance on these monumental matters - especially concerning head wear. 

On another related note, I seriously doubt that Ms. Danzeisen has ever had her attention drawn to the beautifully bespoke fashion-house called “Muslima Wear” which operates out of Istanbul - gorgeous, high quality, designer outfits and hijabs for Islamic women all over the world who care to cultivate good taste (and unlike Ms. Danzeisen, who care to apply some make up).  I believe this is a spectacularly successful company - and if you scroll down to the very bottom of the page, you will see the address of their head office is deliciously none other than Trump Towers: Sisli, Istanbul, Turkey.

Ms Danzeisen could learn a great deal about taste from this fashion company in Trump Towers, Turkey - but I’m afraid her judgment might be a bit too far gone - big league. For when she moves to a little country at the bottom of the South Pacific and presumes to dictate to a new party leader which of his own, meaningful mementos he can and cannot take with him into his new office, that kind of gross impertinence can only be put down to a lack of good breeding and a lifetime of practising some very bad manners. 

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