New Zealand Media Afflicted with Bad Case of TDS
By Olivia Pierson
Trump Derangement Syndrome is sweeping the world afflicting populations everywhere: male, female, black, white, young and old - nobody with half a brain is immune. Media outlets have become the most venomous transmitters of this epidemic, along with cultural snobs, self-styled feminists and pussy-whipped Beta, Delta and Gamma males. The reach of the syndrome is enormous, originating in American newsrooms and Hollywood parties, swiftly spreading across the Eurozone and Middle East, before settling in the great bottom of the South Pacific deep inside the bowels of Australasian news entities. New Zealand has a particularly bad case, evidenced by daily dysentery sprayed out of media outlets all over the country; sadly, like all diarrhea, it’s highly smelly and contagious (and irreversible).
Public citizens need to be vigilant in identifying the symptoms of TDS which may include:
More advanced symptoms can be identified by the many violent protests where afflicted members of the species are unable to function as rational human beings any longer, but instead vandalize property mimicking the noises and antics of zoo animals, while at the same time misnaming this hysteria “democratic free speech.” People exhibiting these symptoms closely resemble canine populations infected with rabid distemper and the public should be highly aware it is unsafe to approach them without being in possession of a bazooka.
There is only one therapy known to have any efficacy in helping TDS, but it only works on those who still have the scarce ability to think for themselves (instead of second-handing off other peoples’ opinions). Understanding that American history is not just a movie starring Edward Norton, but a magnificent achievement built by real men who took YUUUUUUGE pride in the greatness of their nation, helps to strengthen the mind and therefore the whole immune system to fortify against the spiteful, small-minded effects of TDS. Valuing individualism, toughness and blunt-speak can help lift the thick, foggy veil of the syndrome, which clouds clear perception and grossly impairs the ability to listen and judge accurately. Above all, the greatest tool known to help eradicate the harmful symptoms is the willingness of folks not to care what other folks think about them, undoing the flock-like following pattern in the ‘sheeple.’ So far, this seems to be the most challenging part of the therapy and will probably have no effect whatsoever on news media mouthpieces, since intellectual vanity and mechanical parroting are so essential to their very survival.
For the sake of psychological hygiene, citizens are advised to be suspicious of noxiously negative commentators and research information widely and independently - a simple protective measure in the advanced Information Age we live in; but citizens will need to engage more than half a brain to enact this measure.