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Guest Post by Jennifer Grossman: Date the Atlas, Not the Shrug

12/6/2017

6 Comments

 
Picture
By Jennifer Grossman
[Republished with permission]

Ayn Rand ruined my date last night, and here's why that's a good thing.

Like many of the men I’m attracted to, Paul was handsome, fit and sexy. During our first date we talked favorite authors — mine, Ayn Rand, he rejected on feminist grounds. So, instead of hooking up, I decided to hunker down for a critical re-read of Ayn Rand. Through this late-night, lovelorn lens, I formulated a radically new approach to dating that applies the principles of Ayn Rand’s philosophy to women’s most common dating challenges. Who better to help us set standards, define boundaries and reject fantasy thinking than the woman who founded Objectivism? 

Far from retro, Rand’s heroines were independent, sexually liberated career women who multi-dated, and multi-married, until they landed their Hero. You don’t have to read Atlas Shrugged to date like its heroine, Dagny Taggart, who runs a transcontinental railroad while capturing the hearts of captains of industry. You don’t have to understand Objectivism or ascribe to libertarianism to follow the simple, practical principles I’ve distilled from these philosophies and applied to real life dating challenges. These include: 

Rule #1: Don’t date men you don’t admire. He can be the most handsome man, the most fabulous lover, the most attentive partner, the most witty companion, but if you don’t admire him (not his biceps or bank account, but him as a person ), the relationship is doomed to fail. Don’t know if you admire him? Ask yourself, would you be proud to introduce him at your college reunion? Do you listen to him recount his day and feel a warm glow of pride? Do you feel like you could point to him and tell children (yours or others) “grow up to be like him”? If the answer to any of these is “no,” or even “maybe,” then do your self esteem a favor and break up with him. 

Rule #2: Don’t date men who don’t admire you. You don’t have to be beautiful to be admired by men — you don’t even have to be particularly skilled or smart. A man can admire your spirit, your qualities, your way. You can date men who want you and chase you, but admiration is a different thing altogether. To admire is defined as to “regard with respect,” or to “look at with pleasure.” Women often say that they don’t want to be “put on a pedestal,” but that’s exactly where they should be, held on high, off the floor, where they won’t be bumped into, overlooked, or stepped on. 

So, date the guy who brags about you, who listens when you talk, who notices when you walk in the room, and who inspires you to cultivate your best qualities. Worried he’s in love with an idealized image of you? If that’s the worst of your problems, then count your blessings and be grateful. In The Fountainhead, Rand defines love as “a command to rise.” Let love elevate you — and your partner — to be worthy of each other and your ideals. 

Rule #3: Don’t date men who surround themselves with losers. This includes both the men who need an entourage — and the men who make up the entourage. Men who surround themselves with sycophants have fragile egos belied by their wealth, power and celebrity. These second-handers simply cannot orientate themselves to the universe without gauging their relative status to others around them. The entourage itself acts like a reality distortion field, bending and warping the way men perceive things. 

Explaining the fall of civilizations, economist Thomas Sowell describes how, “Typically there has been ... some method by which feedback from reality has been prevented, so that a dangerous course of action could be blindly continued to a fatal conclusion.” Similarly, the man with an entourage is subtly sabotaged by those who seek to benefit by being in his orbit. By flattering his conceits and sheltering his insecurities — they act to filter out the discordant feedback human beings to evolve. Marinating in this kind of sycophancy for extended lengths of time breeds boorishness and bad manners that no amount of money can make up for.

Rule #4: Don’t “go with your gut” — use your head! If you’re confused about a relationship — get in? stay in? get out? — a frequent piece of advice is to “follow your heart.” This is not a responsible piece of advice to give to someone who is having a hard time trying to sort fact from feeling. Better advice was given by John Galt to Dagny Taggart: “If any part of your uncertainty is a struggle between your heart and your mind, follow your mind.” Besides, in the throes of emotion its hard to distinguish what’s heart, what’s hormones, what’s hope, and what’s habit. Stick to the facts, don’t ignore patterns of behavior, and don’t engage in wishful thinking.

Rule #5: Go on strike if the relationship is not working for you. If you’re being taken for granted, then follow the example of John Galt, and the other innovators, entrepreneurs and artists he inspired to withdraw their creative energies from an envious, ungrateful, entitled society. The scale of your strike will depend on the scale of the behavior you’re seeking to protest and alter. Your once romantic, upscale Saturday night “dates” that have devolved into Netflix-and-takeout-hangouts? Micro-strike by being unavailable next weekend. He’s become the last to notice — much less compliment — how nice you look? Mini-strike by taking a trip with a girlfriend. He’s “not ready” for commitment, engagement, marriage? Mega-strike by spending less time with him, and consider dating other men.

Armed with this new outlook, I resolved to hold out for my own Atlas — and stop dating Shrugs. I started by “next-ing” Tall Paul, who now seemed small — another L.A. Peter Pan, without a grown-up job or a serious life purpose.

“Tell me what a woman finds sexually attractive and I will tell you her entire philosophy of life. Show me the man she sleeps with and I will tell you her valuation of herself.”

I’ve changed the gender from the above passage in Atlas Shrugged, because it offered me — and all women — the opportunity to take a look at how our sexual choices stack up against our fundamental convictions, and provides us the opportunity to reevaluate both. Critics revile Rand for defending selfishness as a virtue — but a less altruistic, more self-centric, more rational approach to dating is precisely what women need to date with less drama, less resentment, and less heartache.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:  Jennifer A. Grossman
Jennifer Anju Grossman is the CEO of the Atlas Society.

https://atlassociety.org/commentary/commentary-blog/5956-date-the-atlas-not-the-shrug
​​
6 Comments
Martin
13/6/2017 08:25:17 pm

Dearest Jennifer....good, solid article and great advise that I will pass on to my many girlfriends since I am a gay man with many eager friends looking for Mr. Right. But Jenny please, please reconsider. Your heart is not your gut. Following one's heart is for fantasy-world dreamers, but listening to and analyzing your gut leads to knowledge if in the end your head is the final authority. Your gut or your core is the seat of all your life experience, culled from your mental faculties. Use it as a tool with your conscious mind always ready to make the final say. Ignoring your core and going entirely with your head is the fatal flaw of Peikoff-Binswanger Objectivism. It produces stiff, rigid droids "disowned" from their very core.

Your heart desires. Your emotions express. Your core connects to reality. Your mind processes.

Good hunting,Jennifer. Many people are hungry for your knowledge. Dearest Olivia, of course, was an exception. Her sensuality was so strong she drew her menfolk without batting an eyelash. She had so many guys chasing her she had to employ a kiwi stick to beat them off.

Reply
Olivia
13/6/2017 10:01:52 pm

Martin, I like your angle here, that your gut is the seat of your life, it connects to reality.

Personally, with the "menfolk" - I employ my head and then measure it against my gut, when they align I know I'm right to proceed with confidence. Sometimes the gut can be a bit askew because it carries one's anxious feelings too which can sometimes be false or a tad paranoid (just because something similar worked out badly once does not mean it's a rule it will work out badly again). So it needs to be checked in with the head. When too much doubt is there at a gut level, I think it is wise to trust the red flag that the gut is waving.

Jennifer's point though between gut and head was that too often people are told to "follow their heart." Her advice to focus on the facts and not ignore patterns of behaviour in favour of emotional wishful thinking is sound.

Reply
Martin
15/6/2017 09:48:29 pm

Dearest Olivia: Over the years, I have separated from the Atlas crowd and thought they had disappeared like so much of the old Objectivist structure. Hence reading Jennifer's blog, profile and seeing what an attractive woman she is was a pleasant surprise. I see she is a great admirer of Rand and doesn't shy away from the s-word: selfishness. I also noticed she wrote the dating article over a year ago. I would love to read an updated article.

With her photo in mind, I can conjecture that more than a few men would be attracted to her without the "soul connection,"
but once they learn the depth of her talent and ability, they may shrink away in fear of matching her expectations. What can one say? Individuating has a heavy price and we all must pay it.

You seem to have a good take on the mind/core/heart challenge. In the end, it is a battle for knowledge and the emergence of the self. We strive to know reality, and the more we know our tools, the more skilled we become. Have you ever known omnipotence like some of Rand's characters? What sane, mature individual thinks this is possible?

By the way, I would differ with Jennifer about using Rand, her fictional characters, and all of the Objectivists I have known as dating references. What man would tell another, in the path of Frisco with Rearden, that he would suffer from impotence with a "lesser type woman?" Peikoff, in one of his lectures, says Rand recommended self release until Mr. or Ms. Right comes along. What insanity? The once 25-year old wakes up one day and they are 40 still waiting for their great love!

Reply
Olivia
15/6/2017 11:30:17 pm

Martin,
No, I have not met that kind of omnipotent human being - ever. I think when one meets someone to fall in love with, a person who has great attributes etc, there will still be part of their conduct or aspects of their nature that are just down right annoying sometimes. Perfection is a ridiculous standard to expect in another, one needs to go with core values and then not sweat the small stuff - as they say. ;-)

I remember a piece by Lindsay a while back where he stated that Rand didn't appreciate the "animal" in Aristotle's "rational animal." I agree with this. Human beings do have in part an animal nature which sex and sexual attraction hooks into hugely. I don't think it should be ignored in favour of some perfect rational thinker, that's just silly... and boring.

The one and only time I had a relationship with "an Objectivist" - let's just say it didn't work out all that well, but we are still quite good friends. I don't like the culty side of Objectivism at all. I think Rand took great care to encourage people to think as individuals, not quote her left, right and centre on every aspect of life and love as religious people do with the Bible. She was a magnificent thinker and human being and I wouldn't want to diminish her in any way - I'm not into taking down heroes or heroines. The point of life and integrity is to be true to oneself and develop that way, making corrections where they seem obvious to one's happiness. If Rand helps people do that then great, so long as it is authentic and not done from some misguided sense of doctrinal purity to some organisation which may or may not bear her name.

Reply
Martin
16/6/2017 09:18:06 am

Am I a diminisher for pointing out some of the destructive conclusions made by Rand?

Is the road to enlightenment reached by turning a blind eye to the defects in Rand's heroic path through life?

Do we advance in life by ignoring defects in the name of loyalty so as to stagnate our growth and retard our progress?

Is Lindsay a diminisher for being the driving force behind the homosexual booklet critical of Rand's remarks about homosexuality?


Reply
Paul
9/11/2018 06:57:55 pm

Jennifer,

You wrote "Men who surround themselves with sycophants have fragile egos belied by their wealth, power and celebrity. . . The entourage itself acts like a reality distortion field, bending and warping the way men perceive things."
Sadly, that is a perfect description of how Ayn Rand behaved with her followers. "Rand-think" is a pretty apt description of the "work" produced by so many of them, Peikoff being one of the best examples of that. She was too powerful and demanded too much, overwhelming the weak and chasing away those who remained strong and independent. So many sycophants mimicked her writing style and sung praises to her infallibility, failing to preserve and develop their individual capacities to think.

Your advice may be helpful but it will lead you to heroes like those in Rand's novels, not to people like those she surrounded herself with in real life.

Reply



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