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Parenting Denotes Ownership

6/6/2019

7 Comments

 
Picture
William Adolphe Bouguereau, Le lever (the Rising)
By Olivia Pierson

The other day, I found myself in a discussion about parenting with a woman who styles her thinking along the lines of Eastern mysticism - yes, to many that is still fashionable.  It yielded an interesting difference in our view toward our adult children - and it’s one that I encounter from time to time.

Said succinctly, the difference is that I say that I view my children as mine, whereas my acquaintance says she does not view her son as hers.  Ownership is an egocentric, therefore erroneous, attitude toward parenting, she concluded. She took her opinion from the words of Lebanese/American poet Kahlil Gibran in his little book The Prophet:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far. 
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Now, I admit that these words are poetic - profound even - and they certainly contain some wisdom.  Many would say that they are hard to argue with for they ring with rhapsodic beauty. 

Yet, I’m a realist.  Gibran’s words seem to come from someone in the autumn years of a life (though he didn’t make it into his own), where usually a person’s scale of perspective toward their children has been seasoned with a natural detachment before life’s final curtain inevitably falls. 

My contention with this take on parenting lies in the firm belief that when children are young and in the process of developing, they need adults who unashamedly claim them as their own.  Why so?  Because “the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself” (evolution/natural selection) are brought into existence by, to and for parents to call their own. Ownership is exactly the right concept to apply to one’s young, since the young who belong to no-one among us are known as orphans, and orphans desire more than anything else in the world to be claimed; to belong. 

Literature is laden with stories and themes about children whose overwhelming desire is to be claimed as somebody’s, from street-wise Gavroche in Les Miserables (who has parents that neither want nor love him) to precocious, red-headed, “romantical” Anne, the orphaned protagonist in Anne of Green Gables.  

A powerful theme in Herman Melville’s great, sea-faring epic, Moby Dick, with its famous opening line, “Call me Ishmael,” provides nothing short of a morality study on how human beings relate to nature, including other human beings, through a crew of orphans, exiles and social-outcasts who make up the central characters on the ship.  Melville penned these sensitive words which, in my view, are more poetically eloquent than Gibran’s:

Would to God these blessed calms would last. But the mingled, mingling threads of life are woven by warp and woof: calms crossed by storms, a storm for every calm… Where lies the final harbour, whence we unmoor no more? In what rapt ether sails the world, of which the weariest will never weary? Where is the foundling’s father hidden? Our souls are like those orphans whose unwedded mothers die in bearing them: the secret of our paternity lies in their grave, and we must there to learn it.

Aside from giving children the incomparable gift of belonging and with that an identity bound into a family name, the most far-reaching gift to be bestowed upon a young mind is a strong value system - i.e your thoughts, your views of right and wrong, your judgements about how things are and ought to be.  It’s not to say that it will all be correct, let alone be adopted by your children, but it has the benefit of serving the young as a solid reference point to compare all other new thoughts and values against.  

Children who are not given this kind of conscious gift end up being sponges who absorb every whim and impulse of a pervading, impersonal culture which doesn’t give a fig about their well-being - whereas parents do. Providing they are not psychopaths, it’s much wiser for parents to consciously and confidently instil their own thoughts and values into the minds of their children than it is to leave them wide open and susceptible to the fads and fancies of a wider culture’s unaccountable grip.

So, contrary to what my acquaintance likes to say, and what Gibran’s poem advises, while my children were children, they were my children and I confidently gave them my thoughts to ponder, as did their father.  Now they are very much their own people, with their own thoughts and values, which are frequently measured against the contemplations of both their parents. But they are still our children and by blood and kin still belong to us, and always will.

If you enjoyed this article, please buy my book "Western Values Defended: A Primer" ​ ​​​​​​

7 Comments
Graeme
6/6/2019 09:41:45 am

I have often thought that the high crime rate among many Maori is a reflection of the lack of ownership of their children by their parents
Many of these children are brought up by a very extended group of people who as individuals do not feel a large sense of responsibility to each child. Rarely if ever have I seen any mention of this.
Some would think it an advantage for these children Not me

Reply
GloryBee
6/6/2019 01:06:19 pm

I found this article very interesting. I am in my 60's now and still crave that sense of belonging. I grew up as an only child with a narcissistic mother and no father. I have never felt that I 'belonged' and it is the single greatest sadness of my life. I can therefore understand how cults become so empowered. A sense of belonging is, in my view, absolutely essential if one is to succeed as a balanced and happy human being; I believe that such 'belonging' imbues one with a strong core, and without it one will forever be a bit 'lost'. I have my own family and have tried to give my children that which I lacked growing up, but being the parent is very different from being the child.

Reply
Olivia
21/6/2019 11:33:01 pm

Thanks for this comment... yes, it must be a tough road in many respects to not have that sense of belonging, but try hard to instil it in your own children - as the adult must. Well done to you for rising to such a noble task!

Reply
Hilary
6/6/2019 06:58:41 pm

Unfortunately the PC society in which we live is making it increasingly difficult for parents to impart their own values on their children; the only 'acceptable' value system is that imposed by the state.

Reply
Anne McKenzie link
6/6/2019 08:10:57 pm

Perhaps it depends on the definition of 'ownership'.
In LOVING our children we inherently build the foundations of deep belonging and the boundaries of value system.
When the love is unconditional, the child is safe to explore, develop, learn and become whatever they must become. Here, ownership means freedom, encouragement, acceptance, the ability to withstand conflict and essentially, to let our children go.
An egocentric view of ownership might be linked to 'control'.




Reply
SP
7/6/2019 01:14:14 pm

I have noted a swing towards child-led initiatives; such lunacy cannot end well – children need to be led, shown the way - that is the job of a responsible and loving parent. However, I agree that the term ‘ownership’ might carry certain negative connotations such as ‘possession’ and ‘control’. Perhaps the term ‘guidance’ would be more appropriate? Guardianship rather than ownership; custodianship rather than possessorship.

Reply
Olivia
22/6/2019 03:20:55 am

We should not shy away from ideas just because there may be a negative connotation. Custodianship or guardianship are different words for “ownership.” I’m cutting straight to the chase in this piece of writing for the simple reason that our children are quite literally, and very clearly, our responsibility, and ours to love and guide until they do it for themselves. Even then, we are still allowed “a say,” because of the bond of kinship and interest, self interest that is, in their wellbeing.

They may not agree with us, and often don’t, but we must feel a responsibility to be honest about things, for some things don’t make sense to children until parents are in their graves, and one looks back and thinks “god they had that right, I can see now.” Or the opposite thought - "thank god I didn’t listen!” :-)

We should give them the gift of a thought-out opinion if it’s honestly held and let the chips fall where they may. I’m glad the old ones in my life gave a fig enough to do that with me, even if it took me years before I glimpsed the wisdom of it.

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